Alot of people just can’t take a joke.
Please join me in welcoming Mr. Adam Schomburg as the first official member of The Douche Club.
I like to think of myself as a fun-loving guy, easy enough to get along with. What we call around these parts a “good ol’ boy.” And that usually pans out pretty well. But every once in awhile I come upon somebody that is just easily offended, as was the case late last night on Twitter (see, kids, this is the reason you should follow me on Twitter so you don’t miss these things).
Now, I can understand being personally attacked. That’s when you bring out the big guns. I’m from the Old School of fighting (a blog on that forthcoming), in which you only clench your fists and dig in your heels when its worth it. You don’t start shit with somebody, but you damn well end it…one way or another. But some people enjoy the complacency they feel from being secluded over the internet, living in some euphoric world where they believe they’re the epitome of what’s right and have to stand up for every minute, pointless comment made against anything they like or believe in. To the most extreme cases, it doesn’t take a personal attack to retaliate, but rather the mere mention against an ideal of their life and views.
And what’s more important in life than standing up for…
LADY GAGA: Winner of both the Prettiest Man and Ugliest Woman In The World 2009 titles.
That’s right, kids. Forget women’s rights, equality, starving children, and a crumbling economy…the real issue here, the one worth balling your fists up about, is Lady Gaga. It took a great man to show me the error of my ways–a man named Adam Schomburg (Twitter identity: Syrinx_Temples), who by his Bio we find is: “Writer. Thinker. Nerd. Rush fan. Call of Duty 4 master.”
Please join me as I traverse last night’s epiphany once more (side notes added below the quotes to emphasize), won’t you?
JasonLKeene: If I had the $$$ of Lady Gaga, instead of buying up eye-abortion clothing I’d focus on fixing my goddamned nose. C’mon, girl…seriously.
(which instantly set the staunch order of The Defenders of Gaga to grasp their dildo lances and glow sticks in preparation of an all-out war)
Syrinx_Temples: @JasonLKeene Not everyone is as vain as you. Looks are subjective. Don’t be so damn shallow. For you to have her money would require talent.
(how nice of you to open with a personal attack inferring my lack of talent…I take this in stride, seeing as how you have 6 followers, no writing credits, and have no musical background to base any logic of the music industry off of. Note: only question a person’s talent when you know you possess more talent than them, kthxbai.)
JasonLKeene: @Syrinx_Temples Are you attempting to imply that Lady “Toucan Sam” Gaga is not famous for her own undeserved vanity alone?
(Toucan Sam, of course, is used as a term of endearment here. I see Lady Gaga as leading us towards a big, pulsing bowl of Fruit Loops–figuratively and literally–in the near future…our own Nasally-Challenged Savior.)
Syrinx_Temples: @JasonLKeene She is a talented singer and musician. People like that don’t get famous in our vain, image-obsessed culture.
(I’ve struggled over and over with this line and can’t make hide nor hair of it. It’s contradictory. On one hand speaking of how our culture holds people like Gaga back because of her, uhh, “talent”, only to turn around and try to imply that she’s made it by being a “talented” musician…jigga, whut?)
JasonLKeene: @Syrinx_Temples I believe the word “talent” is a subject of debate concerning that nose…I mean man…I mean it…girl, damnit. Girl.
(Sorry…I lost focus. It’s like Austin Powers staring at that guy’s mole and trying to talk to him, but in nose form. And then, of course, there’s always the question of Gaga’s real gender…schlong, va-jay-jay, asexual mixture…we may never know)
Syrinx_Temples: @JasonLKeene She had to use the sex appeal and interesting outfits to get famous, because our society is obsessed with looks.
(Of course! D’oh! It had nothing to do with her being a skanky little whore with a big honker and less talent than a dickless porn star. She’s fighting “the man” with her image, not becoming famous for it! Oh, you stick it to “the man”, Gaga!)
JasonLKeene: @Syrinx_Temples So, you admit she’s famous for that? Excellent, we’re on the same page now. When talent is sidelined for clothes, ugh.
(Duh, shit-head…that’s what I’ve been saying the entire time thus far. Bitch is only famous for wearing nightmare origami outfits and face paint/wigs with bangs that hide her horrendous mug. If you can’t get famous on talent or beauty, just sing about riding disco sticks and getting your face poked while pulling the Phantom of the Opera disguise)
Syrinx_Temples: @JasonLKeene It’s incredibly hard, for women especially, to get famous on talent alone given how subcutaneously shallow America is.
(I’ve decided that this guy is going so far off-track that he’s no longer fun to argue a point with. From Gaga’s big, ugly honker to sexism in America…no, I dare not stare into the maddening void from which that argument seems logical and related. I’m hungry by now, anyways.)
JasonLKeene: Back to a movie and cereal.
(The movie: Return of the Living Dead. The cereal: Honey Combs. A combination that makes Saturday late-nights complete.)
Syrinx_Temples: @JasonLKeene It’s nearly impossible to make it in movies/TV/music if you don’t have a certain look if you’re a female. Talent gets ignored.
(Oh, God. I come back and you’re still going? Hush. Don’t you have some new dance move to learn? But…you’re right, talent does get ignored. As you and I both have already established is the case with Lady Gaga. WIN)
JasonLKeene: @JasonBergund Actually, after seeing the old clip of her pre-Gaga, I think I liked her more back then. Had a sense of individuality.
JasonLKeene: But, then again, I don’t do Poptronica music. As a musician, If I don’t see musicians playing instruments, I don’t consider it music.
(These two statement were aimed at a new follower of mine who had slid into the backstream of this exchange. His comments were not psychotic and therefore have been left out of this transcript.)
Syrinx_Temples: @JasonLKeene I view it as more of a satirical look at how shallow parts of American culture can be. She is talented musically, but…
Syrinx_Temples: @JasonLKeene … women can’t get recognized on a grand stage usually if they don’t have “looks” that our society deems as sexy. It’s sad.
(Still going, I see. I’m messaging a friend in DM at this time and have started to stir my cereal, getting it good and wet–not soggy–but juuuust right. The movie is in full swing and this douche and his Liberate America’s Oppressive Hand With Dance rants are just flying by.)
Syrinx_Temples: @JasonLKeene It’s really obtuse of you to attack someone over looks, too. Seriously, dude, this isn’t middle school. Sounds like jealousy.
(And you’re really becoming an acute pain my ass. Go home, kid. I’m rolling my eyes now. I realize this isn’t going to go away, like some fruity case of e-herpes. I’m over you now, chief. So, after ignoring several more ranting posts, I have to hit him with a little tongue-in-cheek reality check and see if that’ll simmer him down enough to let me eat my cereal. Smile, my friend, it’s okay to smile.)
JasonLKeene: @Syrinx_Temples lol Down, tiger. Save it for the “Leave Gaga Alone!” video. Some people take things way too seriously. . .
JasonLKeene: Alrighty, then. Gaga has got 7 Tweets out of me which is 6.5 more than he/she/it deserves. Back to reality, kids.
(Translated to: I’m over this and my cereal is losing is big honeycomb taste, yeah yeah yeah.)
Syrinx_Temples: @JasonLKeene Whatever, bro. Act your damn age. People say things through the anonymity of the Internets that they’d never say in person.
(I know you are but what am I?! INFINITY! ~raspberry~ Alright, in all seriousness, that’s it for this half-assed nobody. I even give telemarketers a good 5-10 mins. on the phone to mess with them before hanging up, but it’s time to click the receiver on this bitter prick and the sand in his panties.)
JasonLKeene: It upsets me to block anybody, but @Syrinx_Temples…that’s borderline psychotic Idolic Defense Syndrome shit. Though RUSH does rule. Bye.
(He likes the band Rush. And that hurts because I do, too. It hurts to know that somebody with a taste for Rush could also enjoy Gaga to so much of an extent that they’d take a bullet for her. And, for the record, I actually don’t enjoy blocking anybody…but, I mean, there’s cereal here waiting…)
[Blocks Syrinx_Temples]
JasonLKeene: Any other emotional trainwrecks that feel they have to throw e-punches tonight? Can I get back to the cereal now? Fuck it, soggy cereal.
(Fuck it. My cereal is now soggy, I missed the part of Return of the Living Dead where Trash (Quigley) shows us her perky little punk rock melons and dances, and all because of some Lady Gaga Fan Club President douchebag forgot his fisting toy and lube at the last meeting. Why, goddamn you straight to hell…I’m going to bed.)
Syrinx_Temples: @JasonLKeene Please grow up. You look like a mix between Robert Rodriguez and Pee-Wee Herman. It’s not fun to get judged on looks, is it?
(Now, you just KNOW I’d have to click on his profile and see how he followed-up on getting blocked. This was soul crushing to see this morning. I’m extremely hurt. His logical and well-summarized assortment of thoughts in this last segment was the most adulty of adult-induced adultness–very unlike the vocal jabs such youths as myself procure and unleash upon hapless, ugly, rich, talentless, undeserving lasses like Gaga or such warrior hunks as Adam Schomburg. In the end, he definitely won by being very adult about the matter and getting that last masterful banter of words in. Kudos to you, young warrior king to the Defenders of Gaga.)
You know…I found the man such an exquisite example of beauty that I simply had to put a photo of him up here. That way, every day, I can look at this post and remember how much of an ugly Robert Rodriguez/Pee-Wee Herman hybrid troll I am, and how much of an eloquent, well-spoken, mature, sensible, and gentle stud Adam Schomburg is.
Please feel free to follow Adam Schomburg on Twitter and let him know that you appreciate his unfaultering and selfless protection of our lord and savior, Lady Gaga. Because in the end, the Nose knows best.
Now please drool over a picture of this hunk who is clearly my visual superior. And yes, you may let your hand wander if necessary…
Adam Schomburg: So hot that he’ll melt your face off before serenading you with his Poker Face.
From those sexy specs to the alluring and mysterious stain on the left side of your shirt’s unbuttoned collar; the patchy slivers of hair you’re passing off as a beard to the O.C. messy-do; all the way down to those flakes of sexy dandruff adorning your shoulders…you are every inch a fucking douchebag. Congrats and enjoy your newfound 15 mins. of fame here.
(Note: All of this is in good fun. The point being to learn how to take a joke, for fuck’s sake. And to think, none of this would have transpired had poor Adam decided to not start throwing personal punches. Tsk, tsk… Don’t become an emotional douche-bag like Adam here, learn to laugh a little and roll with the punches. And for the record…I still sing along with some of Lady Gaga’s songs when they come on the radio. She is senseless fun and most certainly not worth diving headfirst into a flame war over. Now go out and laugh today.)
